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IT'S OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX, A Summary

A Guide for Parents of Newborns through Adolescence. Authors Jane Carney Schulze and Rolf Schulze, as parents, grandparents and professors of Sociology and Child Development at San Diego State University have worked with hundreds of teenagers and families. They hear students express their frustration about the lack of information available on the emotional issues and feelings surrounding their sexuality. Most of them wish that they could talk with their parents first. "Discussing sexual questions and feelings with our children is a kind of preventive insurance policy we can provide..." say the authors.

Here is a sex education guide for parents and other caregivers who ask, "When do I bring up the subject?" "Who should bring it up, and how?" Most importantly, "How can I help my children understand how sex can be a part of their lives in a meaningful and responsible way when they are ready for it?" "How can I help them be aware of how important it is to respect themselves and their partner and that parenthood really is a serious business, as well as a joyful state when the time is right?"

IT'S OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX will leave you feeling clearer and more confident on ways to approach these sometimes awkward areas surrounding human sexuality so that you can guide your children from birth on, by building a close and trusting relationship.

 REVIEWS and QUOTES

The following are some comments and reviews from the community.

Roland Summit, M.D. and retired community psychiatrist of Los Angeles County
Harbor UCLA Medical Center, says: "This book, drawn from the authors' real
life experience in early childhood education, sex education, parenting and
grand parenting ...offers a thoughtful, authoritative guide to the gentle,
formative power of confident, confiding parent-child communication."

Dr. Nona Cannon, Professor Emeritus, San Diego State University: "By writing
this book, Professors Jane and Rolf Schulze have made an important
contribution, not only to the field of child/youth sex education, but also to
world peace. They show how love, empathy, equity, respectful communication,
cooperation and other relationship skills and feelings develop human beings
who promote peace, not violence, among people. By avoiding humiliation and
punishment and providing respectful teaching and encouragement, parents can
help children and youth develop self otherness, meaning, and helpfulness
toward others."

Dr. Dorothy Hewes, Child Development Professor at San Diego Sate University,
writing a review in the San Diego Association for the Education of Young
Children's newsletter states:

As the title indicates, this informal but informative new book supports
appropriate discussions about "where babies come from" and similar
topics that caregivers and parents are often reluctant
to discuss. Jane Carney Schulze was a preschool director and both authors
have taught at SDSU sociology classes on human sexuality and family relations
for many years. They are also parents and grandparents.
While it would make a valuable addition to the parent library of a
center, there are also helpful suggestion for teachers. For example, "You
may notice two children in the day care center who are exploring each other's
bodies. This is your moment! The one that can shape their feelings about
themselves for years to come and you have no time to think!" Five practical
suggestions follow. There are similar situation and solutions throughout the
book, helping to open and maintain communication between children and adults
about this delicate topic.

From Peoples' Organic Foods News, San Diego, comes this review:

IT'S OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX is a guiding book by husband and wife

team Jane and Rolf Schulze. Now grandparents themselves, they have combined their own life
experiences along with experience drawn from their careers as a Child
Development professor at Southwestern College, and a Human Sexuality
professor at San Diego State University, to write this must-have book. Their
ease and thoroughness at discussing topics from childhood games of "doctor"
through the "challenging teenage years" is remarkable.
"Discussing sexual questions and feelings with our children is a kind of
preventive insurance policy we can provide..." Jane and Rolf Schulze have
communicated with hundreds of children and families, over forty plus years of
teaching experience in preschool through college classrooms During Rolf
Schulze's 25 years of teaching his Human Sexuality course, he has often heard
student complain that there is "no real discussion about emotional issues and
feelings surrounding sex." Opinion polls tell us that young people want to
talk to their parents first about sex. Yet many parents and grandparents are
frequently unprepared to be frank and honest with their young ones about the
"S" word.
Here is a guide for parents and other caregivers that asks, "When do I
bring up the subject?" "Who should bring it up, and how? Most importantly,
"How can I help my children understand how sex can be part of their lives in
a meaningful way and help them know when they are ready for it?" "How can I
help them be aware of how important it is to respect their partner and that
parenthood really is a serious business, as well as a joyful state when the
time is right."
(This book)...will leave you feeling clearer and more confident on ways
to approach these sometimes awkward areas surrounding human sexuality so that
you can guide your child from birth on, by building a close and trusting
relationship. Sexuality is a truthful and necessary part of each of us,
without it, none of us would be here. It is OK to talk about sex and by
reading this book you will not only feel less intimidated to talk with your
child, you may even learn something that you've always wondered about
yourself. Communication is contagious, pass it on.

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Table of Contents

It's OK to Talk About Sex

Acknowledgements

Foreword by Roland C. Summit, M.D.

Introduction. The Importance of starting with healthy, relaxed attitudes about sexuality. (If that's not ok, we're not ok)

Chapter 1. Let's Talk, OK? Communication from birth through adolescence.

Chapter 2. Setting Limits

Chapter 3. Why is it so Quiet? Infant, toddler, & pre-school development & sexual activities, pets.

Chapter 4. Where Did I Come From? What, where, from whom, and how are my children learning about sexuality?
"Street" learning, peers and the media
Education on life, birth, and sexuality
Parents, grandparents, and teachers as primary sources of information.

Chapter 5. Why Do I Feel Different Today? Pre-adolescent and adolescent development. Puberty and social concerns of young adults. Parenting and sex education, current sexual attitudes and values. Masturbation as a natural human behavior. Teenager's needs, emotional and physical development.

Chapter 6. Talk to your Young Teens. Start Now! Attitudes and values about love, sex, masturbation, and other sexual behaviors. Questions and answers for parents about their teens' development.

Chapter 7. How do we Talk About Attraction, Affection, Love and Sex. Tough questions and frank answers about teen sexual behavior, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases.

Chapter 8. No Easy Answers. More questions and answers.

Chapter 9. The Children are Watching. Parents are their children's best hope for learning how to be adults. Parents as advocates for children both at school, in government and in our society.

EXCERPTS FROM

Chapter 1. Let's Talk, OK? Communication from birth through adolescence.

What is this thing called "Good Communication?" This phrase is tossed about as the answer to all parent-child problems. We'd like to be able to communicate well with our children from their first days. Even if you have older children, and your communication with them is not what you would like, keep trying. It's never to late to do a better job of communicating.

Here are some guidelines:
1. Good Communication is Not One-Sided.

If you find yourself talking excitedly into a silent blank expression and glazed-over eyes, even if the head in front of you is nodding up and down, that's probably not good communication.

2. Good Communication Depends on Mutual Trust.

Trust starts building on Day One of any relationship. For instance, a one month old baby has a need that is very important to him or her, such as hunger. The grown up observes the need and hears the cry, then fills the need satisfactorily. Suddenly, trust blossoms between the two (Erikson). What has happened here? The grown-up has shown respect for the child's need. Once the child's needs are met, the child then begins the process of learning that the world is a safe and good place with his family. Later, the child will be able to understand how to respond to other's needs as he grows older. Good communication is developing. If, for some reason, you have to start building trust when the child is older, it is still possible. Just follow the same guidelines discussed in this book, beginning as soon as possible. Let the child know you are sorry that things were not better in the past, but that the two of you are starting out new. As long as you speak honestly, the child will be more likely to respond positively when ready.
The child is too inexperienced to try to fool or lie to the grown-up. A child's feelings are right out in front for all the world to see, unless they have been frightened into hiding them. The grown-up's actions are what the child will watch. As the grown-up earns the child's trust, the child keeps returning for attention and help. The child's return to the grown-up for help is the ultimate compliment. To be worthy of the child's trust, be careful to promise only what you are quite sure you can deliver. This includes rewards as well as other kinds of discipline. If you have promised a bedtime story or payment of earned allowance on Saturday, be sure you follow through. If you said "No TV unless you pick up your toys," then keep your word. If circumstances cause you to have to make a change, an explanation, or an apology is in order. Children love apologies from grown-ups because, too often, the child seems to be the one making the mistakes. Children can handle disappointments and suprises if they can be helped to understand what is really happening.

3. Good Communication Isn't Just About Talking.

Children not only need food, shelter and clothing to survive. They need attention from the first day. Communication begins when they look into our eyes and coo or fuss for food and we coo back. Later we may ask, "Milk or juice?" and help them suck a nipple or sip from a cup. Have you noticed how a toddler glances at a parent before trying some new, daring maneuver, like holding onto a familiar knee before moving to a nearby chair? If the parent looks into the child's eyes, smiles, and maybe nods, that translates to the child as "Go for it, good for you." The child may move away a few inches, holding on to a nearby chair. Soon back with the parent, the whole movement is repeated until the child is able to move farther beyond the parent and play with others. Unless the parent pays that kind of quality attention and is patient as the child practises separating, the child is likely to whine and cling over a much longer period of time. If a parent acts impatient and pushes the child away, successful separation is not made (Papalia and Olds, 1995). When we give a child what they really need, they tend to move on to the next task at hand while trusting us as being there for them, if we are needed.

4. Good Communication Doesn't Lead to Spoiling Your Child.

Knowing when to fill your child's real need can be a tricky decision. If our grandparents were listening they might scold us for trying to "spoil" the younger generation with talk of filling emotional needs. It turns out to be just the opposite. We are really spoiled when we don't get real needs met. When strong needs are ignored, hurt and angry feelings, or a fear of abondonment, keep us from being cooperative, or listening to the wise words of those who really want to help us. So the words and actions that can help a child trust a parent must be built slowly, day by day. The bond strengthens and the child learns that the parent will be there to fill basic needs. It must feel wonderfully secure to children when they can come back for more of the same consistent care. Their parents may offer a smile and eye contact, a warm lap, a hug, or a verbal, "Good Job." That is often enough. Trust is there, growing through the years. So that when children talk about theirs and other's bodies and about sex, they will want to talk to their parents first. As long as we parents are around to listen, respond, and show affection, our children will continue to ask for guidance at home, not on the street. The streets for them, is a last resort.

5. Watching and Listening to Our Child is a Sure Guide to Successful Parenting.

New parents and teachers wonder how they can be successful models for children when there is so much they need to learn. They ask questions like:

What if I choose the wrong child care?
Am I giving too much or too little attention to my child?
When should I say "no"?
What do I do if my child ignores the "no"?

These are tricky questions and we don't always have time to look up the answers in a book. Books are great resources, but we first need to watch the child and pick up his signals. Try to become an expert child watcher. You may even be able to come up with a plan to observe your child without being noticed, either while a babysitter is helping out or a teacher lets you sit quietly in a corner. We know all children react a little differently when parents are not on the scene. We can learn a lot about that child by watching and even taking some notes. We can often see the kind of reactions that we might not notice at home. An aggressive child at home may show shyness at school because they are afraid to communicate with other children. Or a child who is very quiet and obedient at home may dominate her friends at school. The teacher, school counselor, and family, may be able to help pinpoint the problems, so they can work on solutions together. Even if you don't see yourself as an expert on children, you are the primary expert on your child's likes and dislikes. You understand that the little turned-down lip means, "Get me out of here", or "I've taken all of this I can". You know that those first little baby noises are subtle hints that hunger is approaching and your newborn is saying, "Get the food fast, Mom, I can't hold out much longer."

Young children come to us, it seems, believing that they are the center of their universe. For a while, we eagerly buy into it because they are ours and are so cute! The child development researcher, Urie Bronfenbrenner, is quoted as saying in a 1989 speech to the United Nations, "You have to be crazy about your kid to parent successfully." However, somewhere in the early toddler years parent patience can wears thin. We may still be ìcrazy about the kidî, but we are forced into the role of helping our child learn the realities of personal responsibility, or face the consequences.
Realities such as:

"Ask for what you want."
"Help clean up the mess you made."
"Violence and verbal aggression have awful consequences every time it happens to someone."

If we are successful in teaching self-responsibility to our young ones, family life and the child's experience as a human being can be truly beautiful.

6. Children Want Us To Talk With Them When THEY Are Ready to Talk.

Any of us who have parented teenagers may raise an eyebrow on this one. But it's true. Children not only want our attention through praise, fun and other goodies, they really want us to talk to them and be with them. A child's world can be confusing and scary even with the best of care. They depend on us to help them sort it out and find good solutions for their fears and anger. If we're silent or absent, they'll have to turn elsewhere, desparate for some kind of models.

As we have interviewed and "step-parented" children of all ages, one of the biggest lessons we've learned from them sounds something like this:

"Please keep talking and listening to us even when we refuse to answer, or when we call you names, or yell at you. Please keep talking to us. Be interested in us. Don't just hear angry words or ask us questions to scold us. Hear our pain, too. Let us watch you as good models. Tell us when you've make a mistake, too, so we can learn from them, and you won't seem so far away and perfect to us. Show us a safe path by your steady, wise actions. Your actions teach us everything. Then we'll hear your words. We may try a dangerous path sometimes, but if you are always there waiting for us and loving us, we're likely to come back to you. We will always remember and someday you'll be glad you stood by us, loving and strong."

7. You Can't Fool A Kid.

They'll call us on it sooner or later. If real trust is built on good communication, then the basic foundation is built on honesty. A little child may give the impression that they buy your story about the "Stork brings the baby." or "Mom or Dad aren't going out, so go to sleep." But some way, somehow, when they find out, you get demoted a notch or so on their internal trust index.
Why is it important to be such honest parents? College students tell us that hypocrisy was one big reason they lost respect for their parents or family members. "Do as I say, not as I do," won't get the job done. Young people would rather hear an apology for a parent's poor judgement or mistake, as they watch us make the necessary corrections, than to see us try to excuse our way out. With our honest apology, our child's respect for us remains intact.

8. Parents Also Have Rights.

Communicate self-respect by treating yourself fairly and your child then learns to respect you. As they are respected and valued by those closest to them, they will value themselves and respect others. We start here with the hope that you, as a parent, already like and respect yourself. If that thought gives you problems, there are many ways to look for help (See Appendix on Support Sources).

We know of permissive parents who never learned where to draw the line on rules for their children, even in the areas of safety and health. Their children were miserable. Sometimes these parents are afraid they'll lose their child's affection. Maybe the memories of their own childhood pain come back to stop them from using firm discipline. To do good parenting we have no choice but to set some limits at critical times and stick with them as long as they seem to be working well (See section on Discipline).
For example, it seems that happy, energetic children may want to talk to us constantly, during every waking hour. At some interval, you will, no doubt, be involved in a task, or an emergency, that can't be set aside, no matter how much you love your child. You then may have to say in your friendly, but firm voice, "I know that what you have to tell me is very important. Hold on for a minute, until after this phone call, and I'll be able to listen carefully". Then, remember to do just as you said. If a child has been asked to wait until later to talk, try writing a memo to yourself, and put it in plain sight so you won't forget to follow up. Your child will be impressed that you are serious about scheduling time for the two of you.

GUIDELINES FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION

What are the main guidelines for good listening to help us communicate better? Professionals, such as Haim Ginott (1969), Thomas Gordon (1976), and Faber and Mazlish (1982), have written about the importance of "active listening". These basic guidelines are as follows:

1. Listen with all your attention, and with good eye contact. Think about the people you most like to talk with. Chances are they are good listeners. When someone gives us their full attention they are saying to us, "You are important to me and I respect you and really want to listen to you."

2. Respond with listening words like, "Oh, I see", or "Mmm".

3. Try to describe the child's feelings as if you were guessing at them. For example, "It seems to me - you're feeling sad, or scared."

4. Describe what the child may be wishing for. "I wish you could have a new bike, too, but we can't get it now because . . . ." At least the child knows you are trying to understand his feelings. Resist the temptation to solve the problem for the child. You could ask, "I wonder what could be done about that?" and watch the child's facial expression, giving her time to think it through if she's ready.

Avoid blaming, judging, name calling, or teasing. That takes unfair advantage of children who can't defend themselves. That kind of behavior never solves problems at any age. Try to express your feelings by telling them how you feel, using the "I" word ("I feel that . . . . . , or, "I want . . . . "). Avoid the negative "You did it!" attitude. This way , the child is being respected and listened to. At the same time, the child is not getting everything she wants, when you feel its not good for her. So you set limits and hold your ground (See section on Discipline). Even with the best discipline techniques, children don't always take our word as the final one. They test us constantly by asking, demanding, crying, maybe even throwing a tantrum, to try to get what they want at the moment. This is their way of finding out how far they can go. After all, no one gave them an Instruction Booklet on Life either. The way we react to this kind of noisy behavior is basic to building trust with a child and setting firm limits. Limit setting can be one of our toughest tasks. If we do it well, our children benefit from our strength all their lives and we will enjoy our parenting.

EXCERPTS FROM

Chapter 3. Why is it so Quiet?

Infant, toddler, & pre-school development & sexual activities, pets.

To the child, every part of their body is good, acceptable and to be valued.
This scenario sounds delightful until an adult labels such behavior as a "no-no", "dirty" or "bad", saying, "Don't touch there. You might hurt yourself". Since the child feels good about his normal bodily feelings like sucking, being cuddled and stroked. Never label the child's curiosity about genitals as "bad". The child is likely to see him/herself as "bad" and begin to mistrust his/her own feelings or mistrust the adult who is shaming the child. The child's attitude about herself, and later, about sex with her partner, will then be seen as bad or hurtful.
When we understand that curiosity about our bodies is normal, we can be more relaxed about the way we react to a child touching his/her genitals. When babies and toddlers touch themselves, we know that they are following a normal pattern of growth. As children get into the preschool years and language is better developed, they may begin to "play doctor" and compare their bodies with other children. To a child who can understand your words you can say "It does feel good when you touch that part of you, doesn't it? You can let it go at that. Usually, a child is soon ready to go on to some new activity. Their attention span is short.

Children's curiosity through the preschool years is greatly lessened if they are able to see what other children's bodies look like. It works well in many homes to let children take baths together, go through the house nude after baths and see their parents nude as they are bathing. Preschools usually have community bathrooms where boys and girls can use the same ones. We need to always be aware not to push these situations on children. If there is embarrassment on the part of the adult or child, it won't work well. As usual, the rule is, follow the lead of the child. We would not want to push children into anything about their bodies that they are uncomfortable with. They can be trusted to do what makes them feel natural and good. If we observe anyone trying to push or force a child into activities that the child resists, that adult must be stopped immediately and the reasons why you are interrupting given calmly. Children let us know by words or by some kind of bodily or facial resistance if they feel pressured. We can teach children to say "no" if they feel pushed to do something they don't like concerning their own bodies.

Teachers and parents and other caregivers will undoubtedly stumble into a time when their child, with a friend or sibling, are exploring each other in a private location indoors or outdoors. You may overhear conversations that let you know that they are playing "doctor" or "house." Once again, stay calm, realizing that if both children are willing participants, this is normal behavior. Depending on the situation you can choose to: 1. Let them continue (if they are your children) or 2. Say, in a pleasant voice," It's time to get ready for lunch. Who's hungry?"
If the behavior happens often (and your suggestions don't help), you might talk with the children about the situation, as follows:
Adult: "What's happening?"
Child: "We're playing doctor. We're looking at each other's bottoms".
Adult: "Is it interesting to see what each other look like?"
Child: "Yeah. I've got a penis but she hasn't".
Adult: "You're right. She's a girl and you're a boy. I have a book about what boys and girls are like. Would you like to help me find it so we can read it?
You will then, no doubt, have two eager children following at your heels and be able to answer their curiosity by reading the book and discussing it. There are many good books available on this subject. (See Appendix). Later on in the day or evening, when you have time to think about it, you can sit down with your child and discuss what happened.
"You and your friend were playing in the box today." What was happening?" The child will give you his version if he feels relaxed and comfortable about it. Then you can say,
"I guess you wanted to find out what your friend looked like with no clothes on, right? Did she look different from you? Boys do look different and you may want to know more about that. Let's look at this book that tells about it." It is also important to add, "People don't want to go outside of their house without their clothes on. They want privacy, like when people go to the bathroom,(if the child is older). Do you like privacy? It's important to listen to someone when they want privacy. That's called respecting what they want and people like you better when you respect their privacy."
If a child has not learned to be anxious about their sexual organs they will probably not concentrate for any long period on touching that area. They may stimulate themselves occasionally and perhaps want to see what their playmates look like but then move on to other activities. They are easily distracted. Remember, the more the adult focuses on and shows anxiety about their child's interest in sexuality, the more interesting the whole subject becomes. Once you have answered the child's immediate curiosity they are usually ready to go on to some new activity.

When you react calmly you have shown them that you are not anxious when they show curiosity about their bodies. You have let them know that you are paying attention to their needs and interests; plus you are helping them learn more about the subject. You have not turned a normal behavior into a forbidden activity. If you become aware that a child outside of your family is involved in sex play while under your supervision, try to share what happened with that child's adult caregiver, in a way which will not alarm the adult. Let them know your point of view and that you were in control of the situation. It can be difficult for some parents to understand your approach, but your positive attitude can help and current research will back you up. (Ref.)
Occasionally, children persist in some form of sex play or masturbation every day, over long periods of time. As a teacher of young children, you might notice a child rubbing his/her sex organs during most of a naptime. In that case, there are other factors to consider. You may need to have a parent and their doctor check the child for infection or irritation. The parent may need to get professional advice for any situation beyond what seems like normal behavior. The child may be trying to relieve anxiety and to find comfort through masturbation. If you are the child's teacher or caregiver, hopefully you can find ways to express you concern for the child and suggest that the parent consider why the child is stressed.
The main thing to remember is that children are naturally curious about everything, including their bodies and sexuality. The best thing you can do for them is to treat their curiosity and exploration as a normal activity such as eating, playing or going to the bathroom, while at the same time helping them learn which behaviors are to be kept private. Children have a great capacity for learning what is appropriate in various situations if we explain calmly and lovingly why we are asking for their cooperation. There will be no one else in their lives who will give them that kind of loving guidance as they become adults and enter into a different world. Those children fortunate enough to have such parents are indeed blessed.

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